{surviving infertility} sitting at a fork in the road

If you have been following along the West Street Story’s infertility journey, you have come to expect transparency.  This post is no different.  It includes my very real, and very honest feelings.

a fork in the road of infertility

The one thing I have learned over the {almost} four years of struggling with infertility is that it is okay to change your mind.  It is okay to say yes, no, or to decide that you want something different at any given time.  But, I have also learned that changing your mind isn’t always easy.

Way back in June, when we decided to journey down the path of adoption, we were also continuing to try and get pregnant on our own.  We knew we still wanted multiple children {and AT MOST, we could have one pregnancy naturally} and that if we were lucky enough to be blessed with a successful pregnancy and a successful adoption {even if they happened at the same time}, we would be extremely, over-the-moon, excited.  We sat down and discussed our plans with our families, looked over our savings and budget, and felt comfortable making the decision to try and have a go at a pregnancy and an adoption at the same time.

What we hadn’t factored in was the possibility of not actually getting pregnant.  WAY back, when we finally figured out how to control my thyroid {and what that meant for my cycle}, we were actually able to get pregnant fairly quickly with charting.  That has not proven to be the case this time around.

After my last miscarriage I was also very adamant that I was done with tests and procedures.  I was okay with getting pregnant and giving it one more try, but I was over the tests and scans and the “trying to figure out what is wrong with me” appointments.  We had learned about my Factor V genetic issue and given that it really did seem that as long as we kept my thyroid under control and I did the Lovenox shots while pregnant, there was a very good chance I could still carry full-term.  But, I didn’t want to venture any further than this.  I didn’t want to start any other fertility testing or treatments.  I was okay with trying a pregnancy once more and if it didn’t work out, I was very much at peace {and excited for the fact} that we would be on the way to becoming adoptive parents.

But we have now come to a fork in the infertility road and I am struggling with whether or not to change my mind on things.

Part of me says “I’m done”.  I cannot take the giant heartache I experience each month when I realize I am not pregnant again, or the way unsuccessful trying has strained every single aspect of our lives {and our families’ lives, if I am being honest}.  But then, the other part of me just cannot give up and I feel that if we just all of a sudden stop trying, then the past four years, and all the heartache and misery that we have been through, will be for nothing.

But, in order to keep trying, given that we are currently unable to get pregnant, it appears as if we need to sit down with my OB and discuss some of the additional fertility testing options.

And here in lies the issue and why I am obsessively struggling with which way to travel down this fork in the road.

Fertility testing and treatments can be very costly, especially when most insurance companies {ours included} do not cover them.

Adoption is very costly.

We cannot afford both, not at the same time.  If I had a million dollars just lying around, you better believe I would channel my inner Angelina Jolie and adopt like crazy and also start whatever testing my OB recommends we consider.

But, alas, I haven’t figured out how to grow that money tree quite yet.

We have already discussed and have been working towards different ways to try and earn additional income {popcorn will be ready for sale in the fall!}, but that extra income was going into the adoption bucket.  At this point, we both know we have to choose.  We need to fill either the adoption bucket or we have to fill the fertility treatment bucket.  One of them will have to remain empty for the time being.

So here we sit, unable to decide on what to do.

I have an appointment now scheduled for Thursday to sit down and chat with my OB.  Until I speak to her, and find out what she thinks, we really cannot make a decision.

All I can say is that even while typing this post I have flip-flopped in my thinking.  I really do not know what to do, or what the right answer for us is.

What I do know, without a doubt, is that I want to be a mom, so very badly, and I would have never thought it to be this hard for me to do so.

For now, we will remain at a fork in the road and will have to wait to decide whether or not we continue to put our eggs in the adoption basket or the fertility treatment basket {no pun intended when I wrote that, but it would have appeared pretty clever if I had, huh?}